On a Saturday night spent at home last week, an opportunity that would ordinarily see me quaffing champagne, eating sushi off a Japanese girl’s lithe body and cavorting with blonde lovelies before ushering them out the door and pointing them in the direction of Rod Stewart, all while listening to The Orchids, I watched the moveable television feast of Parkinson.
Razorlight played on the show, which confirmed that they’ve made the leap from they-really-are-shite to now-surely-everyone-in-the-land-will-recognise-their-shiteness.
Listening to the song they played – I don’t know what it’s called, but “Shite” seems to be the order of the day – compounded my puzzlement that they’re called indie. I don’t know much about their label – Vertigo, quite possibly a major’s subsidiary, but there’s nothing on their roster that should trouble you, unless you like the Rapture, which a lot of people seem to do – but let’s make this quite clear: Razorlight are only marketed as indie because they play guitars.
When “Shite” started it was quite clear it was a fairly flimsy rip off of Don’t Dream It’s Over by Crowed House, a band so monumentally stupid that they didn’t know which country they were from and so fucking Shite that only New Zealand would claim them as their own.
It was obvious that someone from marketing had told the stylist – can you imagine it? You’re so Shite that even as a grown up you don’t know how to dress yourself. I can imagine a Windsor knot being a bit tricky or a bustle causing some consternation, but, really, they'repaying someone to dress them in jeans and t-shirt or a suit just like they already own, only more expensive, is throwing away what little money they’ll have until Crowded House sue their arses for royalties – to make them look “indie”. This styling process for Razorlight largely involves having their hairbrushes confiscated. That is all. Everything else as it is and they could work in a bank (which is where they’ll be in two years’ time).
Now, I know xFM like these boys because it’s AOR and the NME like them because it’s like Tr*vis all over again (I once saw them at T in the Park. It started raining on them. I think my cries of “why does it always rain on you? Because you’re cunts,” were a little too long to be either a cutting or classic heckle, but I had to get it off my chest), but there’s nothing indie about these boys. They just play guitars.
It’s like saying Alanis Morrisette is indie because she plays a guitar. She’s not. She’s a cunt.
Or claiming that U2 are indie because they’re a guitar band. They’re not. They’re cunts. Do you see? Yes, I think you do: Razorlight are not indie. They’re cunts.
Disclaimer: this does not mean that the indie cannot be cunts. They can. For the prosecution we give you Bobby Gillespie. Cunt. On a major label. Er, he was a cunt before then.